the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
