I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
it glows. i had to have it.
Found your dick twin last night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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