I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
