If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We need a shit load of segways right now
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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