wanna go halves on a baby?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
