seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
