The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
