The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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