its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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