He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
