East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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