I'm going to jail i love you
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
