just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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