Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
