ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
