your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize