I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
