What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
