you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
