Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
