i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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