I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My vagina is officially offended.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
