I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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