His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
