It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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