My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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