Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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