I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
