Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize