you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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