dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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