my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
