Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
