I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
