i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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