his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
