dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
