I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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