saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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