I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
