bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
