The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
