someone threw a dead crab at me
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize