I will die if light touches me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
