You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
