Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
