My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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