I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
