I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
