Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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