You just made me feel so damn special
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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