Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
