i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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