I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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