if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
