I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
